The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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