i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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