I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Randomize
