Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
