He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You are the jesus of drinking
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
