Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
