Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
