please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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