He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
