true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
