the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
