I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
