If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
