You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
