Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
