I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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