i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
