I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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