I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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