Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
