i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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