you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
