I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
