I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Text me some of your sweat
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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