I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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