That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
