I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
