im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
