according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
