drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
