I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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