hell yes lets make some ravioli
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
