In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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