i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
