don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Mom said you looked used
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
