He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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