she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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