he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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