i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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