My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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