I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
