Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
