The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
