I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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