i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Randomize
