I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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