I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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