____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
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