The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
It's official drugs can't kill me
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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