I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
