Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
