Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
