Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
