I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
