i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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