Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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