i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
